As I Roved Out - Irish traditional on uke

      Sunday spent mostly on making this cover. I'm all cheered up. Gracias a ti, David, por ayuda (bajo y la percusión)!

 

Who are you, me pretty fair maid,
And who are you, me honey?
Who are you, me pretty fair maid,
And who are you, me honey?
She answered me modestly,
I am me mother's darling

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

Will you come to me mother's house,
When the moon is shining clearly?
Will you come to me mother's house,
When the moon is shining clearly?
I'll open the door and I'll let you in
And devil the one will hear us

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

So I went to her house in the middle of the night
and the moon was shining clearly
I went to her house in the middle of the night
and the moon was shining clearly
She opened the door and she let me in
and devil the one did hear us

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

Then she took my horse by the bridle and the bit
And she led him to the stable
She took my horse by the bridle and the bit
And she led him to the stable
"So there's plenty of oats for a soldier's horse,
To eat it if he's able"

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o


Then she took me by her lily-white hand
And she led me to the table
She took me by her lily-white hand
And she led me to the table
"So there's plenty of wine for a soldier boy,
To drink it if he is able"

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

And she got up and she made the bed
And she made it nice and easy
She got up and she made the bed
And she made it nice and easy
And then she took me by the hand
Said: “Blow up the candle”

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

There we laid to the break of the day
And Devil the one that hear us
There we laid to the break of the day
And Devil the one that hear us
And she rose without the cloths
Saying "Darling, you must leave me”

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

When can I return again
And when will we get married?
When can I return again
And when will we get married?
When broken shells make temple bells
That’s when we’ll be married

Fiddle dai
You al da fal-de-diddle-da
Fai-di dai-di
didle-deldi-o

Life is magic

 

     Life is magic, and I don’t mean it just in some metaphorical sense. The universe is really magic. We just see and touch the external, pale layer of it. We can reach deeper, if we really try. I’m pretty sure we have the tools, but we are so stupefied, so covered, nowadays.

     I can say from my own example. I lived my teenage years in the pre-internet era. We just had one TV channel. The only computer in the village belonged to a cop’s kid, and we used it to play (rarely) Commodore 64 games. When you wanted a music album, either you had to buy it (ha, ha, who had the money? It was like 1/10 of an avarage wage) or make a cassette copy, usually in a very bad quality. When you needed information, you had to use a big, heavy, often outdated encyclopaedia. When you wanted to meet someone, you just went to his home and knocked on the door. If you felt like watching porn… well, that wasn’t easy at all, and it was actually easier to use your colourful and relatively innocent imagination.

     Of course the life wasn’t idyllic, I had plenty of problems, involving broken heart, drugs and alcohol abuse, family issues, school problems – typical teenager quandaries. But somehow the mind worked in a slower pace, and not only that; it was also more magic-sensitive. I remember the evening, long winter walks, watching bright stars and the moon, and experiencing such a thrilling sensation of the presence of mystical beings, continuity of existence, higher connection… (I’m not including here the drugs’ experiences, so bugger off, I wasn’t high;). There were so many things, so many shades of emotions and feelings. Not only that. There were things happening, amazing things (but I leave it for another time).

     Many things changed since 90’s. Everything has speeded up. The unlimited access to information filled our heads, but emptied souls. We know more, but we experience less. That’s so scary. And many of us can’t cope with this unhealthy state. We suffer anxiety, depression, panic, feeling of being lost, meaningless of the world. And it’s not because the world lost its meaning (or never had it). It’s because we are so deafen by this lurid hubbub around us, that we can’t make any sense of anything. We are like a deer stepping out of the wild forest on a highway, blinded by the lights of a big truck which is about to smash him to a pulp. This is unhealthy world we live in, not us, who is messed up.

     We have to try to shake it off, break free.

I want to remain a boy

     The day goes bit slow today. Hangover after yesterday's wine, we had a couple of spliffs with David, so today I’m little sad and moody. This morning I bought mashed potatoes, soya sausages, pickled cucumbers and cheese cake at the supermarket. After eating, I watched X Files and a bad movie (actually I scrolled through half of it).

     There are some things I want to write about, but I don’t want to sound like a grumbler. I know that I don’t like reading other’s people stuff, when they just complain, so why should I put other through this?

     I’m not good with words today. It’s not actually about whining. It’s about deep, heartfelt yearning. I wrote about it many times in different places. It’s something I lost or maybe not lost, but buried deep and now I have hard time rediscovering it. You know, it’s about the sense of protection from above. The feeling that Universe cares, that guardian spirits, or whatever, oversee us from some harmonious place, full of wisdom and love. Shit, I don’t want to sound so new agey. It’s that I remember feeling safe and looked after. Not so many years ago. Before my dad died, I think.

     There were times, Tania and me, we didn’t have a dime to rub against another, we lived in weird places, with not so nice people, we had difficulties in our relationship. But somehow at the end of the day I could sit down, put on some familiar music, take out my Tarot cards (“not new agey, huh?:”), or diary, and chill out completely, writing a poem about longing, my tribe, friends who must be out there somewhere, and feeling connected to a greater story, feeling deep inside that there is a sense to my existence, that someone is watching my steps, and "always being there to catch me".

     Yes, that’s what I’m complaining about. My material situation doesn’t bother me that much, I’ve been worse than that. It’s the feeling of loosing innocence, trust, security, simplicity, all those things that make you feel like a child. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a bare self left in a naked, too literal world.
     So I need you back, my dreams, my carrying spirits, my friendly, boyish God, my quiet evenings without time and thoughts of the end, my bright and filled with unending adventures future together with Tania, my hope to meet my soulmates one day, and the faith in gifts waiting on the camino.

     I guess, I want to stay a child. I wander if that’s what it is to be an adult? Disillusioned, down to earth, focusing on earthly matters, not those airy, silly dreams? If that’s the case, I want to remain a boy.  

New home

   

     Today I went to see my new home. Well, I didn’t know if it was going to be my home, until I actually met Maria, the girl who owns the house.  
     But starting from beginning – few days ago I got an email from this girl. She saw my advert on gumtree and she liked Tania and me. I like what she said about herself, and I could feel from the few lines she sent me, that she was ok. But Barking... Shit, so far from my work, I thought. Over 160 quid for a monthly pass. Still, I decided to check it out. I called her, we had a chat, and then today, after work I went to meet Maria and see her place. I found out that the transport isn’t that bad – overground and tube take about 50 minuts, plus walking, waiting, I guess I can make it in an hour and 15 minutes, given or taken.

     Maria was supposed to meet me at the station. She wasn’t there, when I arrived, so I leaned against the wall and waited. It was fun – I was looking at the passing girls, wandering which one could be my “would be” landlord. I didn’t like any of them. So I was pretty much relieved when she showed up. Bit scruffy, different from the crowd and, what struck me most after just few words – very forthright, sincere. I felt connection straight away.
     She showed me the house, we chatted for an hour or more and finally we agreed that it’s a good idea to live together. So in a couple of weeks I’m moving in. Tania will get the plain ticket one of these days and she will join me. Finally, after more then four months of separation. I’m so relieved!
     I feel that things are falling into place at least. I enjoy my work, feel appreciated, start to find peace inside, now this thing with Maria and her house... I don’t know. It feels like the clouds are dispersing.
    What else?

     It’s evening already, as it usually is, when I sit to write. The weather is bad - rain, wind, cold. The vines are scratching against the windows and since my bed is just there, I have to get used to it, if I want to sleep. Sometimes the rats are squeaking and I’m wandering why those poor bastards don’t hide somewhere underground, instead of hanging on the creepers shattered by wind and rain, like some desperate, fur pirates. I’m listening to Camaron de la Isla, drinking wine, and planning to learn new song on ukulele, “Volando Voy”. Dominik invited me to the dinner, pasta with soya chunks, we watched some old Polish cabaret from sixties, I did laundry.
     Take care.
     Yours
     M.

Hello Earthlings

   

     Hello Earthlings
     For the last few months I was whining about job hunting, and now, when I have it, it’s time to start whining about flat hunting. London, I like you, babe, but this is madness. First of all – I have to forget about a studio apartment for now. The prices are out of my range, at least for now. Maybe later, when Tatiana comes and starts working, we might get something, but right now it’s all about flat share. The room for a couple starts from 500 a month (in Liverpool I could have 3 bedrooms apartment for that price!). The problem is that since I’ve only just started working, I don’t have all the money to get started. I would need around 1000 quid – 500 for the room and 500 deposit. So those are off the table. But there is a small percentage of flat shares that accept weekly rent and one or two weeks deposit. And this is what I’m targeting now. In the best case scenario I’ll get it this or next week. In the worse case I will carry on by myself here for the next month until I collect 1000 quid, and then I’ll bring Tania here.
     Anyway, enough about numbers. They give me headache.

      1. Today I cycled to the City and back to Sydenham. I was pretty tired, but I loved dodging between the buses, cars, going through those huge, six lanes wide roundabouts, sparkly tadpole amongst whales and sharks. I was spoiled by Copenhagen and its dreamy bicycle lanes. If you want to live on the edge, get a bike and come to London.

     2. On the way I was listening to Donatan – Polish hip-hop, this particular project bringing back the pride of belonging to the Slav family. Good beats, strong language, sooo not my regular cup of tea, but I enjoyed it greatly.

     3. The job – I really like it – people, college, hours, everything. I’ll try to get rid of the agency and go directly for the school. Let’s see how it goes.

     4. I tried busking with my ukulele. Three times I was paralyzed by the stage fright, the forth time I managed to play one song and I was shushed by some posh lady living above the street. It was in Soho, residential bit. This elegant women with posh accent came to me and said politely: “Young man, do you know the hell we have to go through, living in this area?” I looked around at the beautiful street, green trees, fancy coffee-shops, elegant bars, in the very heart of London. It didn’t look like a hell to me, but I was more then willing to swap with her for my freezing room in a ruined factory in the middle of the black ghetto.

     5. Continuing X Files marathon. The truth is out there, I knew it! ;)

About work and some other thoughts

   

     It’s Thursday already. These days my life is revolving around the work. Learning new people, getting familiar with the place, duties, locating vocation in the triviality of everyday life.
     For me it’s difficult to adapt to new group. I want to, I’m a sociable being, I feel alive when I can exchange thoughts and feelings with other people, but it’s pretty hard in the beginning. People are different, and that’s cool, but I have problems with the beginnings of the acquaintance, when you have to get through people’s barriers, initial coldness, distrust towards strangers, etc. I don’t know, it’s just hard for me. I get tense, sometimes try too hard, my low self-esteem kicks in, and I feel I make a fool of myself. And it’s not unjustified fear. Sometimes I don’t make good first impression (maybe more often then I’d like to).
     Ok, someone could say – “so what? who cares?”. I know, I shouldn’t. But sometimes I’m tired of being an outsider. It’s nice to be part of the group. Of course not any group. I’m not that needy.

     I like our kids. Well, they are not kids anymore, they are teenagers, and in the college we call them learners, but it sound little bit dry, so I stick to “kids”. Some of them are very severely disabled. I know people who’d say “what’s the point of educating them, if probably they don’t get anything of it”. I used to get angry when I heard that, now I just feel sorry for those people, and usually I just don’t argue, it’s a waste of time.

    I think about ourselves, “healthy” people. Who are we? How limited and often erroneous is our understanding of the world and our selves? But we are learning, making baby steps, often with the help of people more progressed then ourselves. Someone could say that it’s a waste of time, we are learning so slow, but I think it’s important to see our lives in the perspective of eternity (yeap, this is a big word, I’m aware of that:). When I work with our kids, I feel that I’m returning the favor. And this work makes me progress more on the life path. I think, it must be because of it, that social work feels so important to me.

     * * *
The evening list

     1. Electric heater next to my feet feels nice. The autumn is here, wind flows freely through the gaps in the window frames. Two thick duvets, wool socks, hat and gloves – winter, I’m ready for you!

     2. Yesterday – hunger. I’m still waiting for my first wages, and right now I haven’t got a penny. Yesterday returning from work, hungry like a beast, I did a tour behind the supermarkets, to find some “goods”. Didn’t find anything! For a moment I thought that I would go to bed hungry, but then Dominik asked me to the dinner in his room. He invites me tonight too. I really appreciate.

     3. Asking around for a room to rent. I can’t search gumtree, because I wont be able to pay deposit at this moment, so I hope to find it through friends and friends’ friends.

     4. Started to watch X Files again. It used to be my favorite series. I love Mulder, Scully, but mostly I love nineties:)

     5. Anxiety is a weird thing. It’s like your mind turns against you. Today, on the bus, when the weird feeling of alienation and unease hit, I told myself – “It’s ok, don’t fight it. You can feel whatever you want, no problem”. I relaxed almost instantly.

     6. The only thing that gives sense to the Universe is love. I feel that nothing else has enduring value. Without love we are just living in a petty dream.

London

   

     It’s already two months since the last entry? It is. I was more active on my another blog, but tonight I feel like I need some time here.
     Changes. I don’t live in Liverpool anymore. I moved to London. Liverpool depressed me, I felt lonely, couldn’t find a job, didn’t know anyone around. Then my friend, Radhika, suggested moving to London. She knows a guy who lives in a kind of a squat and asked him to get me a free place, and so he did. So I live here over a month now.

     The place is ok. South East (Sydenham). It’s a huge factory, with some rooms. The guy who looks after it, lives here and makes it available to friends or people in need for free or some small fee. Until now I didn’t have to pay, but now he asked me for 15 quid a week, which is ok, specially since I started working.

     Yes, I have work now. Teaching assistant in a special needs college. It’s through an agency, but it seems to be pretty solid, I might stay there. It’s been only the first week. I like it. Of course there are things that I will never like (timetables, schedules, chain of command, and all those “job extras”), but then working with people who need help is a noble thing to do and feels good. Only thing it’s pretty far – it takes me about 90 minutes to get there by bus. It would be faster on bike, but I don’t have any yet. Tried to buy some today, but couldn’t find anything in my budget. The job is only around 30 hours so I’m not sure how much I will get after tax, I’ll find out next week.

     What else? Two months is a long time. Lot of things happened. I’ll just make a list:
     1. Still missing Tatiana very much. I’m one of two, not one of one.
     2. Going to the Hare Krishna temple from time to time to eat something. But I stay away from the devotees there. Not very pleasant atmosphere. Fanaticism and old-boyism, can’t stand it.
     3. Made a song, I think one of my best so far.
     4. I like London. Yes, it’s a struggle now, being poor isn’t good for having fun, but in spite of obstacles I like it. Why? It’s just so big and crowded... There must be some real things and people in that beehive. And it means I can meet them.
     5. Rats. They are outside fortunately, climbing the vines outside my window, mating, fighting, ignoring me. I wonder if they will find the way in once it gets colder. I guess they might.
     6. Debts still escalating but in a much slower rate. Maybe even the growth has stopped? Let’s see. Right now it’s over 2000 pounds. Next week I get my first wages, but I’ll try to put aside all of it, and try to live of dumpster diving and busking. In this way I could collect enough to rent a double room near my work and for the plain ticket for Tania.
     7. People of the squat. Maybe I’ll make a separate entry about them. It’s a weird mix:)