About work and some other thoughts

   

     It’s Thursday already. These days my life is revolving around the work. Learning new people, getting familiar with the place, duties, locating vocation in the triviality of everyday life.
     For me it’s difficult to adapt to new group. I want to, I’m a sociable being, I feel alive when I can exchange thoughts and feelings with other people, but it’s pretty hard in the beginning. People are different, and that’s cool, but I have problems with the beginnings of the acquaintance, when you have to get through people’s barriers, initial coldness, distrust towards strangers, etc. I don’t know, it’s just hard for me. I get tense, sometimes try too hard, my low self-esteem kicks in, and I feel I make a fool of myself. And it’s not unjustified fear. Sometimes I don’t make good first impression (maybe more often then I’d like to).
     Ok, someone could say – “so what? who cares?”. I know, I shouldn’t. But sometimes I’m tired of being an outsider. It’s nice to be part of the group. Of course not any group. I’m not that needy.

     I like our kids. Well, they are not kids anymore, they are teenagers, and in the college we call them learners, but it sound little bit dry, so I stick to “kids”. Some of them are very severely disabled. I know people who’d say “what’s the point of educating them, if probably they don’t get anything of it”. I used to get angry when I heard that, now I just feel sorry for those people, and usually I just don’t argue, it’s a waste of time.

    I think about ourselves, “healthy” people. Who are we? How limited and often erroneous is our understanding of the world and our selves? But we are learning, making baby steps, often with the help of people more progressed then ourselves. Someone could say that it’s a waste of time, we are learning so slow, but I think it’s important to see our lives in the perspective of eternity (yeap, this is a big word, I’m aware of that:). When I work with our kids, I feel that I’m returning the favor. And this work makes me progress more on the life path. I think, it must be because of it, that social work feels so important to me.

     * * *
The evening list

     1. Electric heater next to my feet feels nice. The autumn is here, wind flows freely through the gaps in the window frames. Two thick duvets, wool socks, hat and gloves – winter, I’m ready for you!

     2. Yesterday – hunger. I’m still waiting for my first wages, and right now I haven’t got a penny. Yesterday returning from work, hungry like a beast, I did a tour behind the supermarkets, to find some “goods”. Didn’t find anything! For a moment I thought that I would go to bed hungry, but then Dominik asked me to the dinner in his room. He invites me tonight too. I really appreciate.

     3. Asking around for a room to rent. I can’t search gumtree, because I wont be able to pay deposit at this moment, so I hope to find it through friends and friends’ friends.

     4. Started to watch X Files again. It used to be my favorite series. I love Mulder, Scully, but mostly I love nineties:)

     5. Anxiety is a weird thing. It’s like your mind turns against you. Today, on the bus, when the weird feeling of alienation and unease hit, I told myself – “It’s ok, don’t fight it. You can feel whatever you want, no problem”. I relaxed almost instantly.

     6. The only thing that gives sense to the Universe is love. I feel that nothing else has enduring value. Without love we are just living in a petty dream.