I want to remain a boy

     The day goes bit slow today. Hangover after yesterday's wine, we had a couple of spliffs with David, so today I’m little sad and moody. This morning I bought mashed potatoes, soya sausages, pickled cucumbers and cheese cake at the supermarket. After eating, I watched X Files and a bad movie (actually I scrolled through half of it).

     There are some things I want to write about, but I don’t want to sound like a grumbler. I know that I don’t like reading other’s people stuff, when they just complain, so why should I put other through this?

     I’m not good with words today. It’s not actually about whining. It’s about deep, heartfelt yearning. I wrote about it many times in different places. It’s something I lost or maybe not lost, but buried deep and now I have hard time rediscovering it. You know, it’s about the sense of protection from above. The feeling that Universe cares, that guardian spirits, or whatever, oversee us from some harmonious place, full of wisdom and love. Shit, I don’t want to sound so new agey. It’s that I remember feeling safe and looked after. Not so many years ago. Before my dad died, I think.

     There were times, Tania and me, we didn’t have a dime to rub against another, we lived in weird places, with not so nice people, we had difficulties in our relationship. But somehow at the end of the day I could sit down, put on some familiar music, take out my Tarot cards (“not new agey, huh?:”), or diary, and chill out completely, writing a poem about longing, my tribe, friends who must be out there somewhere, and feeling connected to a greater story, feeling deep inside that there is a sense to my existence, that someone is watching my steps, and "always being there to catch me".

     Yes, that’s what I’m complaining about. My material situation doesn’t bother me that much, I’ve been worse than that. It’s the feeling of loosing innocence, trust, security, simplicity, all those things that make you feel like a child. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a bare self left in a naked, too literal world.
     So I need you back, my dreams, my carrying spirits, my friendly, boyish God, my quiet evenings without time and thoughts of the end, my bright and filled with unending adventures future together with Tania, my hope to meet my soulmates one day, and the faith in gifts waiting on the camino.

     I guess, I want to stay a child. I wander if that’s what it is to be an adult? Disillusioned, down to earth, focusing on earthly matters, not those airy, silly dreams? If that’s the case, I want to remain a boy.