Sunday, June 30, 2013

Come wander with me

     We made this cover version (originally it's a song by Bonnie Beecher) with my love few months back, when we tried unsuccessfully to find our place in Krakow. She's such a darling, I miss her. We share the same saddness and maladjustment, but she is my light anyway:) Enjoy the song, folks, good night.

December fairies

   It’s been two weeks in UK already. So what’s the development? Eh, fuck it. I don’t feel like talking about the job hunting and stuff. I’d rather fly away, find some cozy hideout and look at stars, smoking cigarettes (the ones that don’t give cancer and smell of gingerbreads), and feeling safe and looked after. You know what I mean – the feeling of home, belonging, harmony. Something that I’m not sure can be reached on this messed up planet. Soon I’ll be forty (little bit more then in two years). Twenty, even ten years ago I thought that at this age I was going to know what it is all about - who I am, what I want from life, where is my place. It happens that I still don’t have a clue. I’m thirty seven years old dude, sitting alone in a dusty garret, in a crappy town, in a foreign country, without a dime to rub against another, watching The Big Bang Theory, writing bad poetry, and drinking way too much Strong Bow. But this is not what I wanted to say.

I miss it.
The sound of half-frozen brook, stars, icy air,
December fairies in their sheepskin coats
And rosy chicks.
To walk in the winter nights,
With snow creaking under the boots,
With ancient gods and spirits
Waving to us from their sky-ships,
With our thoughts crisp and clear,
Our roots deep and sturdy,
Our wings lighter then moonlight.
I remember the dark winter nights,
When I was a wolf.
I’ll meet you there.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Short recap

     - I went to Liverpool two days ago. I liked the city. It was my first time. I’ve decided to stick to it. I mean until now I was hesitating between Liverpool and Manchester, but I have good feelings about the former, and also it will be good if I focus on one city, so maybe I could start to look for accommodation, options, etc.

     - I can’t register with the agencies until I have two proofs of address. I will have one when I get my bank card (so I can register online and print the statement). As for the second one, I’m not sure. Maybe I take a contract with Tesco phone, and then I just pull out, I think I have two weeks to cancel it, and I’d have second proof of address already. It’s such a pain in the ass to start living in a new country. I’m getting too old for it.

     - Since I’m pretty bankrupt right now (and I mean below Absolute Zero), I’m starting to look for some temp jobs. Who knows when I’ll get back into the social work. I have to maintain myself until then. I was considering finding some squatter’s place, but don’t really know where to start.  Apart from that I wrote a message to some Liverpool social center, where they have a vegetarian café fully run by volunteers. If they’d manage some lodgings for me, I could help them for a while. With my vegetarian cheffing experience, that could work well.

    - It’s Saturday. There is a bit of sun so maybe I’ll take my uke and go to the park, to practice some.

     Take care, invisible people.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A boyish boy (or Home)

"A boyish boy you are", said he,
the ghost of Christmas past.
I though he laughs at tears, but no,
his smile was kindly cast.

That’s boy:
“I cannot get it, sir, so please,
explain to my this life,
my hair is grey, but deep inside,
I feel like I was five”

“Like everybody else I try,
like grownups try to be,
to find a job, make money, home,
with breakfast drink my tea”

“But even if I try my best,
I’m lost, I’m lying not,
and deep inside I really know,
this world is not my home”

“So what advice you have, what aid,
what wisdom can you give?
Can man like me, a troubled soul
find peace, his realm to live?”

That’s where I ended speech, and looked
at window dark, deep night,
The Christmas ghost went home I guess,
and so must I embark.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Ukulele in the park

     I’m writing two blog posts a day. It just shows how little is happening in my life right now. But I  don’t like to be idle. I dragged my lazy and depressed ass out of the house and went to explore Crewe. Well, there is not much to explore here, but I wanted to go to the Queen’s Park and try to chill out in the sun. It’s a quite long walk, maybe 2 miles, so it was perfect. I forgot to take my American Spirit with me, so first I was angry, but then I told myself that it’s better not to pollute that nice summer walk (yes, smoking, I’m going to give it up, when Tatiana joins me, I promise).
     I found a reasonably secluded spot,  rested against the tree, took out my ukulele and let myself to sink into old songs. I wanted to have a souvenir, so I recorded one of my favorites, maybe you know it (Manu Chao “Me llaman calle”). At first I didn’t feel good there. I have this alienation feeling I can’t shake off yet, but then something switched inside, and I was ok.
     I did also another thing to change my attitude. I found a website with foreigners’ blogs who live in the UK. I decided to pick up the ones I found interesting and follow them here, on the Wayfarer. Mostly those are written by Americans, Canadians, but also others like Spanish, Italian, Bulgarian (I haven’t gone through all of them, so may be more nationalities). And basically they (I mean mostly Americans, but also Australians, Canadians) have very positive attitude towards life. I guess it runs in their blood, but as for me (Polish), we tend to be more negative, expecting the worst, complaining, etc. I’m little bit fed up of this so why not to try to change a little? I need to break out of this bloody pessimism pattern. The world is neutral. It’s up to us how we paint it.

That lovely little devil

      I had the weirdest dream ever. Weirdest but also the coolest.
     The background was such that I was married into this really wealthy, old aristocratic family, you know, like Granthams from Downton Abby. They didn’t like me very much, but I didn’t care, I loved my wife, she loved me.
     Eventually we had a baby. Oh, I loved her so much. She was tiny, smelled so beautiful, I was just carrying her around in bliss. Then at one point I lost her. I just turned away for a second and she was gone. Everyone was looking for her in panic, I was devastated, I thought someone kidnapped her, or maybe she had fallen into some hole.
     And then I found her. But to my surprise she was older. I lost her when she was a baby, but now she was like three - four years old. Still I knew she was my daughter. Not thinking that it was weird, I took her in my arms with relief.
     “Where have you been? We were looking for you everywhere! Don’t do it ever again” – I cried.
     “Sorry daddy I was hiding. I had some stuff to do” she said apologetically. “I love you daddy” she added with a smile and kissed me.
     It was the first time she spoke to me (of course it was - five minutes earlier she was like a month old), and I loved her voice. Only then I realized that she wasn’t a regular child. She was a little demon girl. And the weirdest thing was I still loved her like a madman. She loved me too. She gave me a strong hug, kiss, smiled impishly, winked and then changed back into a baby, so when everyone else came, they wouldn’t notice anything wrong.
     I loved this dream. I woke up happy, livened up. I think I may have some regrets for not having kids. It wasn’t the first time I dreamt about my daughter “Who-Could-Be”.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Monday is over


         Still bit withdrawn from life. Most of the day sitting in front of the screen and sending those applications all over the place. Today I’ve realized I could try homeless jobs. Generally I’m made for social work, but I don’t have to work with kids necessarily. I just need to do something that makes sense and is as far removed from capitalist relationships as possible. I don’t say it for a pose. I just don’t want to work for a capitalist enterprise. It feels so dry and empty. I need something with people, where I could use my energy to help others. Not because I’m a good person (though I’m trying), but it is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. Other things just feel stupid.
     What else? I feel lonely. Tatiana is couple of thousands miles away. I don’t have any company that I could really share my heart with. You know – doubts, fears, hopes. I have to hold it in. Not much creative neither. No way I could continue with my novel until I sort myself out. Not even songs writing. First the job. Then place to live. And only then I can start to think about other things. Why? I don’t know. I’m just too strung up to do anything else.
     Little song to mellow out, maybe a movie (“Safety Not Guaranteed”) and Monday is over.
  Big Machine (Acoustic Version) by Mark Duplass on Grooveshark
The drawing is "recycled" from my old blog. I like to escape to those dream realms:)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Personal balloon

     The weekend was quiet, I’ve spent it mostly home. Saturday sending some CVs, filling up applications. Today was kind of idle – short walk with Ewa and Łukasz, enjoying the wind and rain, then we watched “The Time Traveler’s Wife” (I love this one, I’ve watched it five or maybe even six times already).
     Tatiana sent me a song she wants me to learn. It’s a spiritual, Hindu song, very beautiful, but I was just happy to hear her voice, her singing. I wanted to share it here, but somehow I wasn’t able to sort it out with the uploading and a player, so you wont know:)
     But I’m putting here her drawing of us flying in balloon, in our personal dreamland.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Cup of warm milk


    I’ve chatted with a friend today. He’s Lithuanian, we got to know each other in Copenhagen, when I was a chef in Firefly, and he joined our team. Nice chap, we made a connection straight away. He reminded me myself with my insecurity and pointless worrying:) But not only that – we both have spiritual interests and similar sensitivity to the world. Recently he got together with a Danish girl and wants to go back to Denmark. I told him about being little lost these days. We talked about how we create our own reality, so it’s important what we put out to the world, how we project our thoughts on it. Yes, it makes sense.
     I’ve spent few hours sending CVs and applications around. It felt nice, I see there are many jobs I like. I got some replays, even two phone calls. Well, nothing specific showed up yet, but it is only a second day I’m doing it, so it’s fine. I'm focusing on Liverpool and Manchester. Wherever of these two I find job in, I’ll go. There is plenty of special schools in those places. Let’s what the Universe has in store.
     I started the day with Lisa Hannigan and I’m ending it with her. She is such a sweet and cheerful person, and at the same time there is something sad and nostalgic about her music and songs. I like that - the reality she is creating. I could try to dream a similar one. The first step would be to withdraw from the world news – riots, revolutions, wars, politicians, ecology, civil rights, animal rights, etc. It’s just too much for me at the moment. I know that world is going to shit, and I shouldn’t be indifferent, but at the same time we owe to help ourselves first. I just can’t take it right now. I need to craft a peaceful, warm, secure place for me and my love. That’s the mission for now. So instead of Chomsky I’ll go for Gandalf the Grey, instead of Gogol Bordello I’ll go for The Cranberries, instead of revolution I’ll just have a cup of warm milk with honey and cinnamon.
     Good night bros and sises.

Chill out

     Today I'm not reading about what's wrong with the world and not writing about what's wrong with me. I'm starting the day with Lisa Hannigan, exercise, cook some food for friends and chill out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

On the minor note



On the minor note
19.06.2013, Crewe

    The day hasn’t been too good. The yesterday’s drinking didn’t help with my mood. It did yesterday, but today I’m paying for it.
     It’s already evening, I hear Ewa and Łukasz watching some movie in their bedroom, the neighbors are talking behind the wall. It doesn’t bother me. I’ve watched few episodes of “Louie”, series with that comedian, Louis CK. It cheered me up a little. There is something comforting in watching another loser.
     I’m struggling with life. My self-confidence and sense of deeper harmony and higher protection are out the window. For few years now. I guess it started from our disastrous attempt to live in Copenhagen. Before that I felt more complete, I had a better sense of who I was, what was my meaning, my dreams. It wasn’t completely clear to me, but somewhere deep I felt that everything was going fine, that the pieces were falling into place. I don’t have it any more. If I had to describe how I feel right now, I’d say fragmented, lost, confused, insecure. I have this deep feeling that I don’t matter. It is sad, I know, boring and cliché, and I wish I could get out of this mind trap, be more positive, but I am where I am.
     I’m not passive. I try different things to change what I feel into something constructive and creative. When people say “you have to accept who you are”, I agree, but I can’t just let it be, because I’m not happy with myself at this moment. So I do some music, write songs, stories, draw, try to make myself feel that I’m not completely meaningless, but it doesn’t really work, not on a larger scale anyway.
     I hoped that this trip to UK would change something, by taking me out of the old environment. I still do. I think that finding job that matters, starting to earn some money, meeting new people, will give me meaning. Let’s see how it goes.
     Today I’ve sent few CVs around. I’m targeting special needs centers in Liverpool and Manchester. I have NVQ3 in this field and quite good experience, so I think I stand a chance. I would love to work with those kids again, there is something particularly rewarding in working with children with disabilities. I like their sincerity and the full trust then can give you when you show you're worth it.
     I was suppose to go to Liverpool tomorrow, but I think I stay here and do some more internet job hunting. Not feeling like spending a day in a big city.
     Bummer, isn’t it? I mean all of it.
     Ok, some more of Louis CK and then to sleep.
     PS. I talked to Tania today. She is pretty active. Doing lots of gardening and exercise. Still she had a tough time, when my brother was killing chickens today and it happened that at that exact moment she came out and saw it. Those roosters were quite annoying, but still it was too much for her. Poor Tania. I miss her.

The Wild Rover

The Wild Rover
19.06.2013, Crewe

     Ok., I did it. I busked in Crewe. Now I have huge hangover and will spend all day in bed reminiscing the stormy events of yesterday.
     When I went to the streets, first I approached a lovely blond police officer (I love those funny “clockwork orange” hats) and asked if there are any regulations for the buskers here (well, I wouldn’t ask normally, but she looked so harmless and cute, that I thought it wouldn't hurt to start with positive vibe and building my self-confidence). She smiled broadly and said that as long as I play pretty, she doesn’t mind.
      So I found a spot, took out my ukulele and started shyly with some Manu Chao songs. It was my first street performance since few years and the first ever with ukulele (before I used to play accordion) so I was bit nervous. People walked by, not parting with their crisis money, nonetheless stopping and cheering. I guess they really don’t have much busking here. Only when I started to play some Irish tunes I got few pounds. It was funny that Brits seem to enjoy the Irish stuff so much, even when I was openly scorning them in the name of all Irish rebels. Well, of course it was done jokingly, no harm done.
     After getting around fiver in the case I was about to go home when Paddy (short from Patrick as he kindly explained) joined me on the bench. Guy over fifty, bit downtrodden by life as I could see from his face. He was a little tipsy and loved my music. He asked if he could join in with the singing. I didn’t mind. We sang Whiskey In the Jar together, then we started Dirty Old Town. I hadn’t practice this one much before, so it sounded really rough, but I guess that’s how you should sing it, because we got a small cheering crowd.
     Then Paddy asked me if we should grab a drink in the nearby pub. So we went. The pub was quite full, so we joined two girls at their table outside. They eyed my ukulele case.
     “Are you going to give us a tune?” – one of them asked jokingly.
     “Yes, he is!” – Paddy picked up enthusiastically. – “He is an amazing player! Come on, Martin” – he turned to me. He was so loud that all the tables turned to us and started to encourage me. I blushed like a little girl and tried to divert everyone’s attention from myself, but to no avail. So I poured my pint down the throat to get some courage and started to play. Soon enough I forgot about my stage fright. People joined in with chorus and even guests from inside the pub started to come outside to see what’s going on. People were clapping, thumping and laughing. After the first song the drinks started to show miraculously on my table. Paddy got up, pointed at me and said:
     “This is Martin from Poland, he arrived yesterday, give him some applause!”
     “Why would you come to this shithole?!” – someone shouted, but he was silenced by the rest.
     I had no control over the situation whatsoever. So I decided to go with the flow. And like this it went for a while. More drinks and more music, then some more. We filled the air with Irish drinking songs and pretty quickly half of the guests started to reveal their Irish roots. I got an impression that in reality Crewe is an Irish colony in the heart of Cheshire. Who would think?
     Eventually when the world started to be too hazy, I gathered the strength and took my leave greeted cordially by everyone present.
     This was my first day in England.

Monday, June 17, 2013

First night - Crewe

     So I've landed. England looks more or less the same - bit foggy and windy, but I don't mind. Ewa picked me up at John Lennon's airport and brought to her house in Crewe. I've been here before. It isn't Paris or London, and I'm not keen on small towns, but this is only temporary, before  moving to a bigger place, probably Liverpool (not decided yet). Still, tomorrow I'm going to have a tour. Łukasz said that he even got A-Z map of Crewe, he can give it to me. If the town has A-Z, it can't be too bad;)
     Maybe I could busk here? I don't think they get many buskers around Crewe. It can be good news or bad news. Do I have the balls to check which one?
     I'm so tired right now. Good night people.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Good bye Polish summer

     Since I'm leaving, I've decided to spend some quality time with family and friends. We took my brother's truck and went to a nearby nature reserve, with old trees, smell of rotten leaves and mushrooms. Nice walk, though I was down a little. Then we went to the river and it was there, where I regain some vigour.
     The rest of the day my plan is: just eating (vegetarian spinach lasagne) and watching Downton Abbey with my love. She made me to watch that series, even I was quite unwilling at first (I thought it too girly, I'm more of the "Dexter" and "Breaking Bad" guy), but now I'm in, it's really good stuff.
     I'll pack tomorrow morning.

We've started the trip with a proper health and safety violation -
seven people sitting on the back of the racing truck, including kids. 
I will miss that stuff in England.

Today's trip lovely companions

I admit I was scared to do it, but there were too many eyes around,
I couldn't have backed off. Still good fun.

With Tatiana and Ania, my sister.

"Could you take a picture that will show my melancholy, loneliness and 
profoundness of my experience of the world?"
Take five.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Tomorrow is the day

     So I’m taking off tomorrow. My flight is from Katowice to Liverpool, I’ll be in the UK around 8PM.
     I’m a bit scared (actually more scared then excited, but this will change soon I hope). New challenges, new life, new place, new job – that’s a lot to take at once. I left UK more then three years ago, I wander what has changed. You know, with the crisis and anti-immigrant public feeling (at least that’s what TV wants to show).
     I’m leaving Tatiana behind for the time being. I want to find something to do first. Without work and money it’s going to be tough at first, and I want her to come to a relatively safe situation. I already miss her. I’ll focus on special needs field. I think with my experience and education I have a chance. I’ll start in Liverpool, I have a place to stay nearby, but I’m open to other options. Maybe not Birmingham or Bristol, since we spent there few years already and prefer some new place. No London either, it’s just too big and too crazy, but rest of the UK, absolutely. Tatiana thinks about Edinburg, and I wouldn’t mind, even with all that wind and cold. We’ll see.
     But the first few days I will just chill out. I’ll take ukulele to the streets and busk, walk a lot, try to meet new people, try to resonate with the place. I’m afraid I may fall in the cigarettes, I always do when starting something new, it helps me to relax, but as soon as I’m sorted, I get out of this sweet and deadly habit.
     Ok. Tomorrow then. Wish me a good trip.